Dear Felicity

Oh, dear felicity.
You thought you had me caught up and guarded didn't you? You thought you had me stuck down in Gehenna, working on the paperwork.
But you were wrong.

I've been sneaking "upstairs".
Japanese Earthquake and nuclear meltdown? Yeah, that was me.
And you thought you had me all figured out.

Oh, and I'm taking some souls up with me.
We like having the parties up there, dancing around in the fire and such.

So you suck it, bro.

Response to email!

I have gotten one email.
You know who you are.
Thank you.


Anyway, to respond to your quick question:
"What are the benefits of being elevated straight to demon status? I mean, you're still in hell right?"


Yes, you are still in Hell.  That doesn't change.
Even though I am the devil, I can't change that.
Here are the benefits to direct promotion to Demon Status:
First of all, you need to know that when you are first admitted to Hell, you are assigned to a level which you are not allowed to leave.


If you are promoted to Demon Status:
1. You are permitted to move between levels as you please. (Low Rank demons must request movement from Gehenna- High Rank move at will with periodic check ins)
2. A Private Suite in Gehenna.
3. The Right to Torture other citizens (Lower ranks must request- High Rank must give notice)
4. Private Invitations to Parties at Gehenna.
5. Management Position in a level.  Low Rank= assistant manager  High Rank= Manager
6. HIGH RANK ONLY- "Assignments" Upstairs.  By Authoritative Assignment Only.  

I must advertise!

Okay, so here it is:
EMAIL US!!!

Lucifer and I are constantly checking our inbox for emails from you all.
And.We.Are.Getting.None.
This does not sit well with me at all.
I sit down here in this stuffy office, doing paperwork, and I always look forward to opening my inbox and checking to see if there is an email I can respond to.
And there never is.
This is disappointing.

I don't mean to sound threatening, but I am disappointed in all our citizens down here.
If you send me an email:
you get special privileges.
if you're not in Hell yet, I can promise you special treatment when you do.
You might even get to stay in Gehenna for a few days, or be promoted directly to Demon status. (which is a very good place to be).

So, in short.
Brighten my dark days, and send me an email.
I'll post it on here, or respond directly.

Damn it all.... I'm being nice.
See what you all have reduced me too!  I am turning more human every day I am sitting down here with nothing to do!

Let me give it another try:
If I do not start getting emails ASAP I'll find a way to make it upstairs: and that won't be a pretty picture.
Be prepared.
I should be receiving emails daily now.

luciferapollyon666@gmail.com

Remember it.

~Apollyon

Angelic Visitors

This Wednesday, January 12th, the Palace of Gehenna will be hosting a few angelic visitors, who were originally on my side in the Revolution. Obviously, they changed their minds in the end, but I hold some hope that we can remind them of their original convictions, back in the good old days, and persuade them to join us here in Hell. The five Angels joining us are Ezekiel, the Angel of death; Hayyel, the Angel of wild animals; Liwet, the Angel of inventions; Samandiriel, the Angel of imagination; and Tabbris, the Angel of self determination.
I have high hopes for Tabbris, as he was one of the last to leave my side for that of the good, and we still hold correspondence sometimes. In fact, it was a letter he sent me recently asking me about affairs in my Kingdom that inspired me to invite these Angels to visit Apollyon and I.
Of course, I include Apollyon only as a side courtesy. He never has had much to do with the politics of our Kingdom of Sin, he was always just in it for the fun and excitement. Thusly, he always just tagged along at the secret Rebel Angel meetings, and I am quite sure he was incapable of forming any sort of close relationship with any of our fellow Angels.

--Lucifer

Dear Mother

First of all, Apollyon and I have been experiencing a little problem with the HellFire© over the last couple of days. It has been cooler by quite a few degrees, and we have been quite unfortunately hindered in our cooking abilities as well as experiencing severe torture withdrawal, since it is no fun to throw despairing souls into moderately cool raging flames. Since you keep a habit of tending to the fire, I hope you will consider taking a look at what could be going wrong.
Second of all, we recently got an occupant whom we are not quite sure what to do with. She has lead a very sinful life, and she seems to enjoy all of the chambers that suit her level of overall horribleness. Apollyon suggested that we promote her straight to demon, and skip the probation period of one hundred years. I was hoping you could interview her and help us decide what to do with her. She is currently residing in the guest room of the Palace of Gehenna, and with your consent, I will send her to your chambers.


Many thanks from your better son,
--Lucifer

Day before Moping Day

Lucifer is cleaning Gehenna today.  He's put some insulation foam in the hole in our kitchen.  For some reason carpenters don't want to come here.
Judas is on his way over here now to "celebrate" moping day with us.  Although its not much of a celebration.  Basically, we all sit around and do nothing except mope about the birth of our enemy's son.
I don't understand the big hype about it anyway.  Immaculate conception.  Whatever.  I say that Mary just got knocked up with someone that wasn't Joseph but she wanted to keep what little dignity she had, so she lied about it.  That, right there, is the basis for the entire Christian community. Of course, then God had to go and actually choose Jesus as his right-hand man, but that had to be just pure good luck for Mary.

It makes me laugh.  I'm stuck doing paperwork now anyway, while Lucifer cleans.
There is one bonus I have for moping day.  All the citizens of hell vote on someone who looks like Jesus, and then we dress him up like Jesus and throw him into the Hellfire©.
Its not real revenge, but its close enough to be satisfactory.