Stalkers.

I never thought I'd have one, but I have a stalker.
How this is possible, I have no frickin idea.

I replied to an email, and she wont leave me alone.
I like this girl though. She's giving me pretty damn good ideas for new torture chambers we can add to the list for renovations.

But she DID want me to go shoe shopping with her.
I will not go shoe shopping.
No matter how much I want those demon-red dress shoes. ooo, those are nice.
...
forget I said anything. That never happened.
Understand me?

She's a bit obsessive, and rude. Like me. And I quote "you just got yourself into a shitload of trouble by responding to me."



I dont know what she thinks she's doing.
But I can't help but like her.

This gal's got sass.
She even offered to help me keep up-ground if I ever get out.
Although that would involve shoe shopping.

Hmmm...
I'll consider it.

I need some wine.
Sometimes the drunken stupor is worth the wine's poor quality down here.
I don't get why Lucifer wont bring any from up-ground down here for us to enjoy.
That snot rag.

Have a Terribly Horrible Day,
~Apollyon

Dear Felicity

Oh, dear felicity.
You thought you had me caught up and guarded didn't you? You thought you had me stuck down in Gehenna, working on the paperwork.
But you were wrong.

I've been sneaking "upstairs".
Japanese Earthquake and nuclear meltdown? Yeah, that was me.
And you thought you had me all figured out.

Oh, and I'm taking some souls up with me.
We like having the parties up there, dancing around in the fire and such.

So you suck it, bro.

Amused by the Internets

I found this on the wonderful DBPB website.

Dear Satan,

When you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?

Sincerely, heaven?

So I shall answer the question:

No we do not send them to heaven.  That'd be helping our dear frenemy upstiars now wouldn't it?

No, we send them either to the eternal Its A Small, Small, World ride or to the Hellfire©. It depends on if we just hate them, or if we never want to see them again, ever.

So, question asker on silly websites, does that answer your question?


~Apollyon

P.S. Lucifer: guess what this means oh big brother? I've reached 20 posts. Mwahahahaha!

Suck it bro.

I feel compelled to say that I am winning.

Yes, me.

Apollyon Dracul Abaddon is winning.
For once in my effing life I am winning.
YES
Want to know why I am winning?
I have 19 posts to your wimpy 11.

I can see your face now: your Apollyon-is-so-stupid-why-does-he-waste-his-energy-on-something-so-pointless look.
Well, shut up bro.
I don't need that right now.
Dear Mother is coming over tomorrow.
I am dead.
If I have to spend one minute being chided about my goatee I am going to punch an even bigger hole into our kitchen wall.  And you know what that means: "Its a small world after all, its a small world after all, its a small world after all, its a small, small, world!" mwahahahahaha.  Said hole will never be fixed.
For I will send all of the carpenters you call down to the Hellfire©


Yes, that is a threat.
Keep. Her. Away. From. Me.
She loves you after all and I am just the derpy tag along who gets left in amusement parks.
So, if you want to keep what's left of your sanity, keep dear mother away from me.

I'll say hi, and that's it.

heh.

I bet you all were so sad that there were no new posts from the devil brothers, eh?
Well, too bad.
the devils' got his own schedule to deal with, let alone managing this blog.
Its a whole lot more effing difficult than I'd expected.
Boo.

Anywho.
What to say, what to say.

Oh, right.
Well, Lucifer finally managed to patch the whole in the wall between our kitchen and the "Its a Small World" level.

~Apollyon
So no more soundtracks for our meals.
I was sort of beginning to enjoy it.  Actually, I was enjoying the look on Lucifer's face every time he walked into the kitchen.  The complete loss of sanity in his eyes.
Mwahahahaha.
In case you cant tell, my brother and I don't really get along.
Oh, and dear mumzy is coming to visit next week.

Shoot me now.
Oh wait, that wont help.
I'm already in hell.
Damn.

Maybe I should just through myself into the Hellfire© and call it good.

Valentines Day.

The day of love, romance and kindness.

Blech.  This is not appreciated.

For one who is always alone, it is sad.
For one who is the essence of evil, sarcasm and abandonment it is pure agony.

It will all be over in 13 hours 15 min.
I can't wait.

~Apollyon.

P.S.  Also, pink is a hideous color.

I must advertise!

Okay, so here it is:
EMAIL US!!!

Lucifer and I are constantly checking our inbox for emails from you all.
And.We.Are.Getting.None.
This does not sit well with me at all.
I sit down here in this stuffy office, doing paperwork, and I always look forward to opening my inbox and checking to see if there is an email I can respond to.
And there never is.
This is disappointing.

I don't mean to sound threatening, but I am disappointed in all our citizens down here.
If you send me an email:
you get special privileges.
if you're not in Hell yet, I can promise you special treatment when you do.
You might even get to stay in Gehenna for a few days, or be promoted directly to Demon status. (which is a very good place to be).

So, in short.
Brighten my dark days, and send me an email.
I'll post it on here, or respond directly.

Damn it all.... I'm being nice.
See what you all have reduced me too!  I am turning more human every day I am sitting down here with nothing to do!

Let me give it another try:
If I do not start getting emails ASAP I'll find a way to make it upstairs: and that won't be a pretty picture.
Be prepared.
I should be receiving emails daily now.

luciferapollyon666@gmail.com

Remember it.

~Apollyon

Visitors

The angels left a few days ago and i just worked up enough energy to write this.
Samandiriel pisses me off. If he joins our side, I don't know what I'm going to do.
I'm thinking murder, but I'm not sure if you can even murder an angel.  Maybe I can get Judas to help me.
I hate Sam's stupid imagination.  I think he really just wanted to try and convert us.
But i don't think The Big Guy enjoys him that much either- to much thinking.  And after all, imagination is a sin isn't it?
yeah.  I guess it is.
After all, i'm full of imagination right now.  Of how to get rid of Sam and how to fix the hole that is still in our kitchen.
Maybe i'll get Sam to fix the hole, then I'll push him through it and leave him forever stranded in Its A Small Small World.

I like that one.
I wonder what my dear old brother will think of this.  Or my mother.
We'll see.
~Apollyon

Keep Talking

Just keep repeating that "better son" thing Lucifer while I'm trying not to listen.
You get such a kick out of rubbing that in, don't you?
All because mom forgot me in that amusement park when I was five.  And didn't want to come back to get me.
Thanks a lot.

I thought big brothers were supposed to be caring and supportive.  So much for that idea.

What a lovely beginning to the new year, old memories.

What a perfectly charming family I have.

Post Moping Day

I never realized that we take Census after Moping Day.
What a wonderful way conclude it, another day of disappointment.
I think we should move Census a day earlier, get all the disappointment out of the way in a day instead of continuing it on.
This was a random idea... :/

Moping Day

Its Christmas. Today we mope.
I hate Christmas time.

Day before Moping Day

Lucifer is cleaning Gehenna today.  He's put some insulation foam in the hole in our kitchen.  For some reason carpenters don't want to come here.
Judas is on his way over here now to "celebrate" moping day with us.  Although its not much of a celebration.  Basically, we all sit around and do nothing except mope about the birth of our enemy's son.
I don't understand the big hype about it anyway.  Immaculate conception.  Whatever.  I say that Mary just got knocked up with someone that wasn't Joseph but she wanted to keep what little dignity she had, so she lied about it.  That, right there, is the basis for the entire Christian community. Of course, then God had to go and actually choose Jesus as his right-hand man, but that had to be just pure good luck for Mary.

It makes me laugh.  I'm stuck doing paperwork now anyway, while Lucifer cleans.
There is one bonus I have for moping day.  All the citizens of hell vote on someone who looks like Jesus, and then we dress him up like Jesus and throw him into the Hellfire©.
Its not real revenge, but its close enough to be satisfactory.

Letter from the Pharisees! Yeah! (Sarcasm)

So I got a letter from the Pharisees today... whoa.... deja vu much?  I feel like I'm repeating myself?  It must be that stupid "Its A Small World Ride" thats constantly playing.  We can periodically hear it in the hallways of Hell. I hadn't counted on that.  That is, I'd never counted on being tortured in my own Hell.  It is Hell though, so I'm not sure why I counted on that.
Oh, confusion, confusion.

Anyway, the letter from the Pharisees.  You probably want to read it, don't you?  So here it is.  Remember, I asked them why they didn't get along with Jesus, and they've read his letter that I posted a while ago.
_______________________________________________________________________________

Mr. Apollyon.

We’re glad that someone has finally asked this question, even if it is you.  Your brother tricked us into coming down here, but God will eventually forgive us our transgressions and we will be out.

This Jesus was deceiving all of the people.  He was telling them lies of him being the Messiah and The Son of God.  It was all lies!

He disrupted our oxen and white dove sellers and our money changers in the temple area with whips.  He said we were running a market place.  We were sustaining the temple as it was!  This was a complete overreaction. 

We arrested him because he was a danger to The Faith, to the community and even to himself.

We believe that we did right.  He was a blasphemer because he was going against the true will of God.  He was healing on the Sabbath and claiming to be Lord of the Sabbath and he had a complete disregard for Jewish Laws.  He was associating with the sinners and the tax collectors- the selfish and sinful people of the world- the dirty people.  He was forgiving them their sins and in doing so was taking away our power.  He was a renegade preacher! 

 So we know not why we are here, since we did right.  We thought we were sinless when we passed away.  But we found ourselves on the path to hell before we could turn around.

This is where we will leave our letter.

~Pharisees 

Another letter from dear old mum.

Mum sent us another letter today.  I'll post it now then, I guess.
_______________________________________________

Darlings,

I was reading your blog archive this evening, and I happened to come across the little note from one of your citizens about the crying baby room.

Dearies, I had the same question as that poor fool.  What in the world and all other dimensions did those babies do to get down there?  Mama demands that you give them too her, as she is very, very hungry and baby blood always makes her feel so young and fresh again, like a teenaged demoness.  Tell Mama what you’ve been up to, corrupting infants.

Love, Lilith

P.S.  Appie, I found some more of my good china that you broke when you were just a child.  If you don’t get me another set sometime soon, I’ll have Luci post your baby pictures.  I know you hate them.

P.P.S. I’m willing to talk about that video shoot, sweetheart!

________________________________________________

First off, I thought she'd called me apple.  And i wasn't the only one who broke the china either.  And Lucifer, if you post those baby pictures I'll fire any carpenters you hire to fix the hole in the wall.

Oh, and the videos...  Lucifer and I (well, mostly me really...) were talking to out dear mother about doing some videos for our blog posts.  Comment if you like this idea, or with things you want to hear Lilith (our mom) talking about.

And yes, our mother likes blood.  She likes to keep herself looking young, our dear demon mother.
And Lucifer, you need to answer our dear "Mama"'s question.  You corrupt the infants, not me.  And this fact, to be honest, has been confusing me for quite some time.

Goodbye to all the citizens of hell (and even those who aren't citizens).  Or should I say Badbye?  It sounds funny but it makes more sense.
~Apollyon

Hell it is... and I can't leave.

I hate cheerleaders.  And spaghetti.
Okay, I admit it.  That "Its A Small World " ride is a true hell.  Especially since I punched a hole in our kitchen wall.  I hate spaghetti and Lucifer knows that.  I was also in a bad mood.  The Cheerleader I mentioned on the 8th was a real brat.  No wonder she went to persistent PMS. It looked like it.  Anyway, she basically BSed me out when i went to see her.  And then Lucifer went and made Spaghetti for dinner.

Sorry about the hole, bro.  Get a carpenter.

On another hand: I paid a visit to Judas today.  He's getting ragged and slightly depressed.  I know its Hell and all, but I think I should give him a small break.  I know the devils aren't supposed to pity the souls down here, but Judas is my home boy.  I think I'll give him a few nights in Gehenna.

Oh, and Mom's coming over for Christmas.  I'm not really looking forward to this.  She's never really liked me much. :/

Nerds and Cheerleaders

I was bombarded by a physics nerd today.  Yes, a nerd.  This was one that was in the waiting room for a few years.  I know it seems silly to have a physics nerd in hell, but they can enforce a torture spectacularly.  They’re currently detained in a level designed specifically for them:  everything they knew in life is wrong.  Gravity doesn't exist and quantum physics doesn’t work right.  It’s a perfect hell for them. If they try to conduct an experiment, it always goes horribly wrong.  So if you feel the need to release some energy, just grab a nerd, lock them in one of our windowless rooms and ask a question about quantum physics or a complicated chemical something or other.  It’s beautiful to watch.

Unfortunately, they can be incredibly annoying, like the situation i was in this morning.  I was just walking around one of the paths in hell, and a nerd was passing by on his way to somewhere.  And he started talking to me.  That was hell, let me tell you.  I didn’t understand a thing he was talking about and yet I couldn’t get away.

It was Lucifer that saved me.  He paged me and told me to hurry to the waiting room because we’ve got a busload of cheerleaders coming in.

Cheerleaders- they’re not as perfect as you think.  I laugh at it, to be honest.  I was talking with one of them and it turns out that a busload of fifty of them had gone shooting off a cliff because they hit a patch of black ice.  Forty-five cheerleaders were standing in that waiting room, gossiping.  That either means that five of them were the angels everyone thinks, or they hadn’t died.  Personally, I am inclined to think the latter.

One of the girls, about seventeen years old, was watching me while I was hurrying around trying to sort the bratty girls out.  When I got over to the group she was standing with, I started watching her.  She seemed interesting enough.  She was seventeen, and I’ve been alive since “before time”.  But I’m timeless, too, and I look like I’m in my lower twenties, so who knows?

I’ll try and get her name and find where she’s going, at any rate.

Lucifer’s calling again.  He says its paperwork.  Yep, I live in Hell alright.

~Apollyon

A Letter from a Dear Old Friend

We got a letter from one of our dear old friends yesterday.  I find it amusing.  So I am positing it here.

Enjoy!  Or don't. I don't really care either way.

Apollyon and Lucifer,

My dear old friends, how is it in the upper levels?  I realize that what I did constitutes torture, but I’d like to see you two sometimes, alright?  After all, I think you owe me some attention.  After all, it was you that led me to my fall, wasn’t it?

Anyway, how about I get right to why I’m writing this letter, okay?

Oh Lazarus, I remember him.  Well, actually, I don’t.  But I was there when Jesus raised him, anyway.  Mary and Martha, Lazarus’s sisters basically begged Jesus to save their brother.  It was quite pitiful.  Jesus himself wept over Lazarus’s death.  I never understood crying.  IT was only ever a sign of weakness in my view.  But something did touch me that day, and I wondered if I was doing the right thing.  But you were in my head Lucifer, you had taken me in.  I was doing your word.  This is why you owe me some visits every once in a while.

Then Jesus went to Lazarus’s grave and called out to His Father, and then commanded Lazarus to rise.  There was silence, and then Lazarus walked out covered in burial rags.

   I did not know that he had been so close to entering hell.  To think that if I had somehow stalled Jesus for even another moment, Lazarus could be sitting with me at this moment, drinking some scalding coffee and watching the hell fire below us.  It makes me bitter, because I am so alone down here.  It is almost like solitary confinement.  Then again, those blasted Pharisees are here, and so is Pontis Pilate, but they’re not very good company.  Pilate sings in the shower, and he doesn’t sing well.  I’m getting nightmares.  They sit down her in their private quarters still praying to their god for forgiveness and to get them out of this place.  But I’ve read the signs, and this blog.  Heaven is as far away as “Forget About it” remember?  Internet is what’s keeping me going to be honest.

As a little wrap up: visit me!  You’re responsible for bringing me down here, considering that it was you that made me betray Jesus.  So visit every once in a while, okay?  Lucifer, try and be interesting when you come.  Apollyon, if you destroy my house I am going to get very angry.

               Hoping to see you soon, and bring some water will you?

~Judas

Words Words Words

"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.  He was in the beginning with" blah blah blah blah blah.
Its all just Words Words Words
HAMLET!

~Apollyon

P.S.  If you don't get the reference, come to Hell and find out! >:)

Letter From Jesus! Yeah. (Sarcasm)

So, here is the letter that I got from JC yesterday.  I can't stand him, but I'm posting it here because I said I would.  Remember, I asked JC why he didn't get along with the Pharisees.
Here you are, my not-so-lovely citizens of hell.
__________________________________________________________________________________

Apollyon, this is a silly question.  It’s not so much that I don’t get along with the Pharisees; it’s more the fact that they don’t understand the truth of the Word and they don’t believe in my coming.  However, they did sacrifice me and hang me on the cross.

But I still love them as my Father does and so I forgive them.  I have forgiven them for crucifying me, because in doing so they assisted me to have my Resurrection.  And this, as you know, awoke many others to the belief in myself and my Father.

I also was disappointed that they scared others into following my teachings publicly because otherwise they would be expelled from their synagogue as is explained in The Good News according to John in verse 42.

This is all I wish to say, because if I was to be honest, I do not dislike anyone.  I don’t get along with them because they do not get along with me and question the Word to often and live out their lives in hypocrisy.  They were two-faced and false.

Peace.

~JC- as you so aptly nicknamed me

My Date With an Angel

I know, I know.  Just the title gets me all riled up.  Stupid dating websites, they never work.  I use up one of my limited hell-leavings and it’s wasted on her.

Yes, I am limited to hell.  Apparently I wreak havoc every time I get out.  Lucifer takes care of our dealings with the outside world most of the time, and I stay behind to make sure we don’t get any escapees. 

On the escapees: we caught the group that got out a few days ago.  They were frantic and absolutely terrified of my flame thrower.  I love that thing.  Anyways, I’m not even sure where the idiots think they can run too.  We’re surrounded by a black hole of epic proportions and life and heaven are so far away.  In fact, Life is a ways past “It’s Too Late” and Heaven’s right around “Forget About It.”  Even the walk to the check in counter in the waiting room takes forever.  No, I just lied.  I tend to do that sometimes.  I’ll be down here for forever and I’ve been down here for eternity already: I’ve already made the journey hundreds of times.

Anyway, to get to the cute little coffee shop where I met the angel - I took little portal I made.

So there she was, sitting across from me and very bitter about the whole affair.  It was going downhill before she even opened her mouth.

“So what is your name again?”

“Apollyon.  Yours?”

“Angelica.  What do you do?  What’s your job?”

“I make sure that souls don’t escape from my country and I manage my workers who sort them where they go.”

“Where’s your country?”

“Hell.”

I proceeded to get lecture after lecture at this point about how I was a sinner.  If I even believed in sins, of course I would be.  I own the place where her big man sends the souls he doesn’t like because they’ve sinned really bad.

“You’re the one who caused all those poor women to be hung in Salem!  You captured their souls and they’re now rotting in hell!”

“You can’t rot in hell.  It’s too darn hot.  And those poor young women evaded me their entire lives, and they weren’t evading me exactly.  My brother, Lucifer, had the men who had the executed in his pocket since the men were tots.”

“Lies!  Blasphemy!”

“If you care about blasphemy, then I’m the biggest darn blasphemer there is, deal with it.”

There was another half hour or so of lecturing and she scared our pretty waitress away.  That waitress was gorgeous.  A date with her would have been better that a date with this white wonder any day.  Yes: I said white wonder.  That Angelica was getting brighter and brighter and whiter and whiter as her temper rose.

“Blasphemer!” she said for what had had to be the eight hundredth time, and I was done.

I’d gathered up a ball of hellfire© and launched it at her face, conjured a portal and disappeared before she’d even realized what had happened.

I hope I singed her hair.

Well, that was my not quite so eventful weekend.  How was yours?