Response to email!

I have gotten one email.
You know who you are.
Thank you.


Anyway, to respond to your quick question:
"What are the benefits of being elevated straight to demon status? I mean, you're still in hell right?"


Yes, you are still in Hell.  That doesn't change.
Even though I am the devil, I can't change that.
Here are the benefits to direct promotion to Demon Status:
First of all, you need to know that when you are first admitted to Hell, you are assigned to a level which you are not allowed to leave.


If you are promoted to Demon Status:
1. You are permitted to move between levels as you please. (Low Rank demons must request movement from Gehenna- High Rank move at will with periodic check ins)
2. A Private Suite in Gehenna.
3. The Right to Torture other citizens (Lower ranks must request- High Rank must give notice)
4. Private Invitations to Parties at Gehenna.
5. Management Position in a level.  Low Rank= assistant manager  High Rank= Manager
6. HIGH RANK ONLY- "Assignments" Upstairs.  By Authoritative Assignment Only.  

My Date With an Angel

I know, I know.  Just the title gets me all riled up.  Stupid dating websites, they never work.  I use up one of my limited hell-leavings and it’s wasted on her.

Yes, I am limited to hell.  Apparently I wreak havoc every time I get out.  Lucifer takes care of our dealings with the outside world most of the time, and I stay behind to make sure we don’t get any escapees. 

On the escapees: we caught the group that got out a few days ago.  They were frantic and absolutely terrified of my flame thrower.  I love that thing.  Anyways, I’m not even sure where the idiots think they can run too.  We’re surrounded by a black hole of epic proportions and life and heaven are so far away.  In fact, Life is a ways past “It’s Too Late” and Heaven’s right around “Forget About It.”  Even the walk to the check in counter in the waiting room takes forever.  No, I just lied.  I tend to do that sometimes.  I’ll be down here for forever and I’ve been down here for eternity already: I’ve already made the journey hundreds of times.

Anyway, to get to the cute little coffee shop where I met the angel - I took little portal I made.

So there she was, sitting across from me and very bitter about the whole affair.  It was going downhill before she even opened her mouth.

“So what is your name again?”

“Apollyon.  Yours?”

“Angelica.  What do you do?  What’s your job?”

“I make sure that souls don’t escape from my country and I manage my workers who sort them where they go.”

“Where’s your country?”

“Hell.”

I proceeded to get lecture after lecture at this point about how I was a sinner.  If I even believed in sins, of course I would be.  I own the place where her big man sends the souls he doesn’t like because they’ve sinned really bad.

“You’re the one who caused all those poor women to be hung in Salem!  You captured their souls and they’re now rotting in hell!”

“You can’t rot in hell.  It’s too darn hot.  And those poor young women evaded me their entire lives, and they weren’t evading me exactly.  My brother, Lucifer, had the men who had the executed in his pocket since the men were tots.”

“Lies!  Blasphemy!”

“If you care about blasphemy, then I’m the biggest darn blasphemer there is, deal with it.”

There was another half hour or so of lecturing and she scared our pretty waitress away.  That waitress was gorgeous.  A date with her would have been better that a date with this white wonder any day.  Yes: I said white wonder.  That Angelica was getting brighter and brighter and whiter and whiter as her temper rose.

“Blasphemer!” she said for what had had to be the eight hundredth time, and I was done.

I’d gathered up a ball of hellfire© and launched it at her face, conjured a portal and disappeared before she’d even realized what had happened.

I hope I singed her hair.

Well, that was my not quite so eventful weekend.  How was yours?

How To Grow Vines! or something similar... I think

Jesus said “I am the true vine, and my Father is the vine grower.”  If this is true, then I laugh at that vine and send one of my own to cut it down- the crucifixion you see.  Ah, revenge.  How lovely thou art!

How is it revenge you ask?  Well, you’ll remember all of those stories of how my minions and demons were driven out of their hosts: because of Jesus.  Everyone was perfectly content to just sit around and let my demons carry out my plans and their duties.  Well, the hosts didn’t really care, and they’re the ones that mattered.

And then that Jesus character just decided to show up and ruin our party.

On a different note:  those Pharisees.  Oh how I love to laugh at their idiocy.  HA.  There: I laughed at them.  And here it is again: HA.  Sorry, I am just so amused by their antics.  They say that they are “God Worshiping” men, and then they order the crucifixion of JC.  I have to admit that I am irritated that they stole my thunder.

Lucifer is reading over my shoulder now and has just commented that he was the one ordering the Pharisees about.

Thanks bro, and you have just made my eternity down here a little better.  Now I can go on ordering our pets about knowing that the Pharisees were unknowingly truly doing out bidding.

Oh the lovely, tasty irony of it all.

Now Luci has just told me that we’ve got some run away souls in level seven that need to be sorted out.  Time to get the flame thrower out again.