Stalkers.

I never thought I'd have one, but I have a stalker.
How this is possible, I have no frickin idea.

I replied to an email, and she wont leave me alone.
I like this girl though. She's giving me pretty damn good ideas for new torture chambers we can add to the list for renovations.

But she DID want me to go shoe shopping with her.
I will not go shoe shopping.
No matter how much I want those demon-red dress shoes. ooo, those are nice.
...
forget I said anything. That never happened.
Understand me?

She's a bit obsessive, and rude. Like me. And I quote "you just got yourself into a shitload of trouble by responding to me."



I dont know what she thinks she's doing.
But I can't help but like her.

This gal's got sass.
She even offered to help me keep up-ground if I ever get out.
Although that would involve shoe shopping.

Hmmm...
I'll consider it.

I need some wine.
Sometimes the drunken stupor is worth the wine's poor quality down here.
I don't get why Lucifer wont bring any from up-ground down here for us to enjoy.
That snot rag.

Have a Terribly Horrible Day,
~Apollyon

Dear Mother

First of all, Apollyon and I have been experiencing a little problem with the HellFire© over the last couple of days. It has been cooler by quite a few degrees, and we have been quite unfortunately hindered in our cooking abilities as well as experiencing severe torture withdrawal, since it is no fun to throw despairing souls into moderately cool raging flames. Since you keep a habit of tending to the fire, I hope you will consider taking a look at what could be going wrong.
Second of all, we recently got an occupant whom we are not quite sure what to do with. She has lead a very sinful life, and she seems to enjoy all of the chambers that suit her level of overall horribleness. Apollyon suggested that we promote her straight to demon, and skip the probation period of one hundred years. I was hoping you could interview her and help us decide what to do with her. She is currently residing in the guest room of the Palace of Gehenna, and with your consent, I will send her to your chambers.


Many thanks from your better son,
--Lucifer

Letter from the Pharisees! Yeah! (Sarcasm)

So I got a letter from the Pharisees today... whoa.... deja vu much?  I feel like I'm repeating myself?  It must be that stupid "Its A Small World Ride" thats constantly playing.  We can periodically hear it in the hallways of Hell. I hadn't counted on that.  That is, I'd never counted on being tortured in my own Hell.  It is Hell though, so I'm not sure why I counted on that.
Oh, confusion, confusion.

Anyway, the letter from the Pharisees.  You probably want to read it, don't you?  So here it is.  Remember, I asked them why they didn't get along with Jesus, and they've read his letter that I posted a while ago.
_______________________________________________________________________________

Mr. Apollyon.

We’re glad that someone has finally asked this question, even if it is you.  Your brother tricked us into coming down here, but God will eventually forgive us our transgressions and we will be out.

This Jesus was deceiving all of the people.  He was telling them lies of him being the Messiah and The Son of God.  It was all lies!

He disrupted our oxen and white dove sellers and our money changers in the temple area with whips.  He said we were running a market place.  We were sustaining the temple as it was!  This was a complete overreaction. 

We arrested him because he was a danger to The Faith, to the community and even to himself.

We believe that we did right.  He was a blasphemer because he was going against the true will of God.  He was healing on the Sabbath and claiming to be Lord of the Sabbath and he had a complete disregard for Jewish Laws.  He was associating with the sinners and the tax collectors- the selfish and sinful people of the world- the dirty people.  He was forgiving them their sins and in doing so was taking away our power.  He was a renegade preacher! 

 So we know not why we are here, since we did right.  We thought we were sinless when we passed away.  But we found ourselves on the path to hell before we could turn around.

This is where we will leave our letter.

~Pharisees 

Another letter from dear old mum.

Mum sent us another letter today.  I'll post it now then, I guess.
_______________________________________________

Darlings,

I was reading your blog archive this evening, and I happened to come across the little note from one of your citizens about the crying baby room.

Dearies, I had the same question as that poor fool.  What in the world and all other dimensions did those babies do to get down there?  Mama demands that you give them too her, as she is very, very hungry and baby blood always makes her feel so young and fresh again, like a teenaged demoness.  Tell Mama what you’ve been up to, corrupting infants.

Love, Lilith

P.S.  Appie, I found some more of my good china that you broke when you were just a child.  If you don’t get me another set sometime soon, I’ll have Luci post your baby pictures.  I know you hate them.

P.P.S. I’m willing to talk about that video shoot, sweetheart!

________________________________________________

First off, I thought she'd called me apple.  And i wasn't the only one who broke the china either.  And Lucifer, if you post those baby pictures I'll fire any carpenters you hire to fix the hole in the wall.

Oh, and the videos...  Lucifer and I (well, mostly me really...) were talking to out dear mother about doing some videos for our blog posts.  Comment if you like this idea, or with things you want to hear Lilith (our mom) talking about.

And yes, our mother likes blood.  She likes to keep herself looking young, our dear demon mother.
And Lucifer, you need to answer our dear "Mama"'s question.  You corrupt the infants, not me.  And this fact, to be honest, has been confusing me for quite some time.

Goodbye to all the citizens of hell (and even those who aren't citizens).  Or should I say Badbye?  It sounds funny but it makes more sense.
~Apollyon

Letter From Lilith

Here's a letter from our mother, the demoness Lilith.

Dear Sweetheart,

A blog? Really, darling, I'm so proud of you, incorporating technology into your job and all, especially after that incident way back when with Alexander Graham Bell. Poor man. Ah, well.

I quite appreciate your new, hopefully fresh, outlook on that 'Bible.' I'm getting very sick of all this new religious fervor. Although it's not as bad as that "Great Awakening" it is still disgusting.

I'd like to see more. Maybe you should take some of those more popular verses and look into them. There's so much to look into. Please get back to me on what you're planning here; Mama would love to help out! Maybe get one of those demons you keep in the filing room on these internets.

I'm so excited to see you develop this blog, baby. Keep it up!

Love and Kisses,

Lilith

P.S. Luci, keep your other half under control, please. He's such a...how do you say? Spaz. That's it.

P.P.S. Mama needs some new knives, sweetie. Just a subtle hint.

--Lucifer

A Letter from a Dear Old Friend

We got a letter from one of our dear old friends yesterday.  I find it amusing.  So I am positing it here.

Enjoy!  Or don't. I don't really care either way.

Apollyon and Lucifer,

My dear old friends, how is it in the upper levels?  I realize that what I did constitutes torture, but I’d like to see you two sometimes, alright?  After all, I think you owe me some attention.  After all, it was you that led me to my fall, wasn’t it?

Anyway, how about I get right to why I’m writing this letter, okay?

Oh Lazarus, I remember him.  Well, actually, I don’t.  But I was there when Jesus raised him, anyway.  Mary and Martha, Lazarus’s sisters basically begged Jesus to save their brother.  It was quite pitiful.  Jesus himself wept over Lazarus’s death.  I never understood crying.  IT was only ever a sign of weakness in my view.  But something did touch me that day, and I wondered if I was doing the right thing.  But you were in my head Lucifer, you had taken me in.  I was doing your word.  This is why you owe me some visits every once in a while.

Then Jesus went to Lazarus’s grave and called out to His Father, and then commanded Lazarus to rise.  There was silence, and then Lazarus walked out covered in burial rags.

   I did not know that he had been so close to entering hell.  To think that if I had somehow stalled Jesus for even another moment, Lazarus could be sitting with me at this moment, drinking some scalding coffee and watching the hell fire below us.  It makes me bitter, because I am so alone down here.  It is almost like solitary confinement.  Then again, those blasted Pharisees are here, and so is Pontis Pilate, but they’re not very good company.  Pilate sings in the shower, and he doesn’t sing well.  I’m getting nightmares.  They sit down her in their private quarters still praying to their god for forgiveness and to get them out of this place.  But I’ve read the signs, and this blog.  Heaven is as far away as “Forget About it” remember?  Internet is what’s keeping me going to be honest.

As a little wrap up: visit me!  You’re responsible for bringing me down here, considering that it was you that made me betray Jesus.  So visit every once in a while, okay?  Lucifer, try and be interesting when you come.  Apollyon, if you destroy my house I am going to get very angry.

               Hoping to see you soon, and bring some water will you?

~Judas

Letter From Jesus! Yeah. (Sarcasm)

So, here is the letter that I got from JC yesterday.  I can't stand him, but I'm posting it here because I said I would.  Remember, I asked JC why he didn't get along with the Pharisees.
Here you are, my not-so-lovely citizens of hell.
__________________________________________________________________________________

Apollyon, this is a silly question.  It’s not so much that I don’t get along with the Pharisees; it’s more the fact that they don’t understand the truth of the Word and they don’t believe in my coming.  However, they did sacrifice me and hang me on the cross.

But I still love them as my Father does and so I forgive them.  I have forgiven them for crucifying me, because in doing so they assisted me to have my Resurrection.  And this, as you know, awoke many others to the belief in myself and my Father.

I also was disappointed that they scared others into following my teachings publicly because otherwise they would be expelled from their synagogue as is explained in The Good News according to John in verse 42.

This is all I wish to say, because if I was to be honest, I do not dislike anyone.  I don’t get along with them because they do not get along with me and question the Word to often and live out their lives in hypocrisy.  They were two-faced and false.

Peace.

~JC- as you so aptly nicknamed me

Jesus... lol.

             So I sent a letter up to Jesus a while ago, and I sent another to some of the Pharisees down here in my neck of the woods, asking why they didn’t get along.  I’m still waiting for answers back, but I’ll post them as soon as I get them.

             On a completely different note: we got a new level of Hell! Awesome right?  As of right now, its called Ice Cream.  Yes, we have ice cream in hell, but listen to this:  its close to the Hellfire© and right next to a boiler: so it is always melted.  That's a hell, right?

             Any ideas for new levels in hell?  Send us your ideas by email or comment below! :D

Letter From a Citizen

Here is a letter we received from an anonymous citizen:

Speaking as a citizen of Hell, I think you guys have really picked it up.  It used to just be the usual boring burning on forever blah blah blah, but now you guys have gotten creative. I’ve gotta say, the Crying Babies is a KILLER (figuratively of course, I’m already dead).  Kudos to you for thinking of that one. But I gotta ask, what did the babies do to get here?

Keep up the good, by which I mean terrible, work!

-A Proud Citizen

PS: could you turn up the elevator music a bit? It gotten too quiet

--Lucifer