Pardon my language, but

Suck it Apollyon. In making the post-number bet with me you made one very large, very grave mistake. You made the mistake of thinking that I care about my name.

I don't.

Many people seem to make a very large deal of having an embarrassing name. I do not. My mother may have always wanted a female child, and she may have given me a very feminine first name, but if anyone dares comment on it, I can easily put them in a room full of crying babies for all of eternity, fill their lungs with maggots, and stick them full of rusty steak knives that shove in deeper with every move they make.

So, without further ado, as per the conditions of our bet, dear brother, I announce my true first name to the world:

Felicity.

--Felicity Lucifer Abbadon

Angelic Visitors

This Wednesday, January 12th, the Palace of Gehenna will be hosting a few angelic visitors, who were originally on my side in the Revolution. Obviously, they changed their minds in the end, but I hold some hope that we can remind them of their original convictions, back in the good old days, and persuade them to join us here in Hell. The five Angels joining us are Ezekiel, the Angel of death; Hayyel, the Angel of wild animals; Liwet, the Angel of inventions; Samandiriel, the Angel of imagination; and Tabbris, the Angel of self determination.
I have high hopes for Tabbris, as he was one of the last to leave my side for that of the good, and we still hold correspondence sometimes. In fact, it was a letter he sent me recently asking me about affairs in my Kingdom that inspired me to invite these Angels to visit Apollyon and I.
Of course, I include Apollyon only as a side courtesy. He never has had much to do with the politics of our Kingdom of Sin, he was always just in it for the fun and excitement. Thusly, he always just tagged along at the secret Rebel Angel meetings, and I am quite sure he was incapable of forming any sort of close relationship with any of our fellow Angels.

--Lucifer

Dear Mother

First of all, Apollyon and I have been experiencing a little problem with the HellFire© over the last couple of days. It has been cooler by quite a few degrees, and we have been quite unfortunately hindered in our cooking abilities as well as experiencing severe torture withdrawal, since it is no fun to throw despairing souls into moderately cool raging flames. Since you keep a habit of tending to the fire, I hope you will consider taking a look at what could be going wrong.
Second of all, we recently got an occupant whom we are not quite sure what to do with. She has lead a very sinful life, and she seems to enjoy all of the chambers that suit her level of overall horribleness. Apollyon suggested that we promote her straight to demon, and skip the probation period of one hundred years. I was hoping you could interview her and help us decide what to do with her. She is currently residing in the guest room of the Palace of Gehenna, and with your consent, I will send her to your chambers.


Many thanks from your better son,
--Lucifer

Census Day

      Today is Census day. It’s my favorite day of the year, because I get to count how many people have joined our wonderful kingdom of sin and despair. Unfortunately, it also reminds me of how many we have lost, and sometimes just at the last minute. Like that Lazarus guy. He was totally sick and dying, and he had committed just enough sin in his life to qualify for the lowest level of eternal torture, Crying Babies. I swear, he had his left foot in the gate when suddenly that snarky little Jesus guy’s voice boomed out and called him back. Actually, first he bowed and scraped for his dad, and then he called for Lazarus to come out. Immediately, Lazarus began walking towards the exit. I knew it was a lost cause, but Apollyon thought it would be a good idea to grab onto him, and was almost dragged out into the world. I thank myself he wasn’t, or I wouldn’t have had anyone to yell at afterwards. Anyway, today we lost yet another one, but these days Jesus doesn’t talk anymore, the people are just held back from our eternal party by their own remorse and repentance. What a sad thing.

-- Lucifer

Bad Wine

      Dear citizens of Hell,

      I would like to remind you that today marks the debut of our new low-level eternal torture, Bad Wine. The ceremony is at 2:00, Hell Time. There will be a few bible-burning sessions, as well as a satirical performance of the “water to wine” miracle originally performed by Jesus. Acting in it will be Beelzebub, O.J. Simpson, and a few Nazis. For those of you who do not know the acts of Jesus, he went to this wedding party and turned all their water into wine, to show off his powers and steal more subjects from my wonderful Kingdom. I hope you will join us for the fun and games! Not that you have much of a choice.

--Lucifer

Martha and Mary Interview

            Here is an account of an interview I conducted between myself and Martha and Mary, two of JC’s close friends. This was, of course, a rare opportunity to get an opinion from the other side. I found their attitude quite strange, but make of it what you will.

o   Lucifer: Ladies, I must have you know that it is quite a pleasure to have you here, in my palace. I hope you enjoy the décor we prepared just for your sake.

o   Mary: you did this for us? That’s horrible! Why would you do such a thing! All those poor people… (Martha pats her back consolingly)

o   Lucifer: Oh, they weren’t doing much with their heads anyways, they were all in positions of government in the United States.

o   Martha: That is no excuse to use their heads as paving. That’s just inhumane and despicable. Of course, that’s only to be expected from Satan himself. (crosses herself)

o   Mary: (close to tears) Oh, what did we do to deserve this? I am so sorry Jesus, please forgive me for my sins!

o   Lucifer: Ladies, please. Al I want to do is ask you a few questions. That’s not so bad, is it? After all, it’s a chance to preach about your favorite person ever, that Jesus boy. I’ve heard you’re pretty big fangirls, after all.

o   Martha: We worship Jesus as the rightful Savior of the World. (Mary sniffs, smiles and nods)

o   Lucifer: Now, I want to know, what was it like to be some of JC’s few female friends? You must have felt quite special. Do you feel he treated you any differently than the other disciples? After all, you weren’t included in the final Twelve.

o   Martha: We were highly privileged to be so close to Jesus himself. Of course we were not part of the final Twelve disciples, we are women and can have little effect on the world. Those men were meant to spread the Word of God, and we were not in a position to do that in our time.

o   Lucifer: I suppose that’s understandable.

o   Mary: We love Jesus. He would never do anything to hurt us. He died for our sins!

o   Lucifer: Did you ever wonder if he was just a madman, obsessed with himself? I mean, obviously now you know that he is not, as you have lunch with him every day up there in happy-land, but did you ever wonder?

o   Mary: Of course not! I knew and believed in Jesus that first time I met him. He is God’s only son.

o   Martha: Well, when I first met him, I did doubt, but I quickly saw the error of my ways and begged for forgiveness.

o   Lucifer: So you just followed him in blindness? I suppose that’s what faith is, a leap without any guarantee that there will be ground underneath your feet when you land.

o   Martha: God was our guarantee

o   Lucifer: …I’m not entirely sure how that makes sense, but I’d like to bring up another issue. You say that Jesus is God’s only son, but aren’t all humans supposed to be God’s children? JC never explained this particular one to me.

o   Mary: We are all God’s children, created in his image, but Jesus is a part of God.

o   Lucifer: But… that’s what I just… oh, never mind.

o   Martha: Are you finished with this interrogation?

o   Lucifer: (sighing) I tried to keep it as civil as possible, but obviously your tastes are different than mine. I don’t know how I could ever see eye-to-eye with JC. His disciples are weird enough.

o   Mary: (beginning to cry) Oh, what did I do to deserve this torture? I want to go back to singing in Heaven!

o   Lucifer: (rolling eyes and beginning to look truly irritated) Alright, you can go back. Let me call JC. I’ll be glad to have you off my back…

o   Martha: (rubbing Mary’s back) Devil, I cannot believe that you have any communication with the Son of God. Your soul is as black as the sky in this horrible place.

o   Lucifer: Um, last time I checked, I have no soul. And I don’t know what are you blabbering about, of course I have to talk to JC, there are lots of tough cases where we have to work out where a person will go. Plus, God likes to have input on which torture level they go to. I don’t get that. I think he doesn’t quite understand the concept of a separate kingdom. I mean, I have enough to deal with without him trying to micromanage everything I do. It’s like he thinks I’m still one of his lackeys.

o   Mary: (straightening) I don’t need to listen to your blasphemy. Jesus will save me from this horrible place.

o   Lucifer: (into a bright red old-fashioned phone) Yeah, could you pick them up, they’re really starting to get on my nerves. It’s taking a lot of self-control not to add their heads to my new pavement.

o   Mary: (screeching) AEEEIIIIII!!!!

o   Martha: (muttering) Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name…

o   Lucifer: Oh, for sin’s sake, will you two just shut up?

After this point, I left the room. They were gone when a minion went into the room to clean it up twenty minutes later. I couldn’t have been more relieved.

--Lucifer

Bar-B-Q in Hell - Lots of Hot Sauce

Come one, come all! Join Lucifer and Apollyon at a bar-b-q this Friday, at the high-level eternal torture site, Nails On Chalkboard. Everyone is invited! There will be tons of hot sauce, to go with the brain burgers and human hot dogs. Most guests will be served.

--Lucifer

Letter From Lilith

Here's a letter from our mother, the demoness Lilith.

Dear Sweetheart,

A blog? Really, darling, I'm so proud of you, incorporating technology into your job and all, especially after that incident way back when with Alexander Graham Bell. Poor man. Ah, well.

I quite appreciate your new, hopefully fresh, outlook on that 'Bible.' I'm getting very sick of all this new religious fervor. Although it's not as bad as that "Great Awakening" it is still disgusting.

I'd like to see more. Maybe you should take some of those more popular verses and look into them. There's so much to look into. Please get back to me on what you're planning here; Mama would love to help out! Maybe get one of those demons you keep in the filing room on these internets.

I'm so excited to see you develop this blog, baby. Keep it up!

Love and Kisses,

Lilith

P.S. Luci, keep your other half under control, please. He's such a...how do you say? Spaz. That's it.

P.P.S. Mama needs some new knives, sweetie. Just a subtle hint.

--Lucifer

It's a Small, Small World

My brother is truly intolerable. During one of his little temper tantrums, he punched a hole in our kitchen wall. I think he was angry about some fashion model dumping him or something. Unfortunately, being Apollyon, he punched the wall between our kitchen and the “It’s a Small World” torture chamber. Now, any time I just want a simple snack, I have to listen to that horribly friendly song, playing over and over and over and over… I really am in Hell.


--A Very Pissed Off Lucifer

Interview With Judas

            Here is an account of an interview I conducted between myself and Judas, the “Betrayer” in the whole crucifixion act. He is a personal friend of mine, and I wanted to make his position on the whole thing clear to the world.

o   Lucifer: So Judas, how did it feel to get the privilege of assisting the great JC in his final performance for the world?

o   Judas: Man, I’m just glad I didn’t have to do anything stupid like Peter, with that whole “denial” thing. Even he was a bit embarrassed about that. Also, it was nice to be able to finally acknowledge my true alliance, with you and Apollyon.

o   L: So what you’re saying is that you were really on our side the whole time, sort of like a spy behind enemy lines?

o   J: Yeah, although the way John wrote it in his gospel, he makes it sound like Jesus ordered me to go play my part, and suddenly I was on your side.

o   L: But that’s not really how it happened?

o   J: No, I was definitely waiting for my chance to betray him all the time. I found a few other nice opportunities, but when he told me to go off, I knew I was busted, and I figured that would be the best time out of any to betray him anyways, so I went ahead and did it.

o   L: Do you think any of the other disciples knew you were not on their side before the final dinner?

o   J: Hah, no way. They were all too goody-two-shoes to imagine that one of their own was a bad apple. Jesus figured it out, of course, but he took his own sweet time about it. What was really funny was that even when JC pointed me out during the dinner by giving me the “dipped morsel,” the other disciples still didn’t get it! They just sat around looking confused.

o   L: That’s hilarious! Well, thanks for sharing your side of the story. You are helping a great cause, fighting the war of attrition on the side of the devil.

o   J: It’s been my pleasure.

--Lucifer

Five Thousand Lunch

Today Apollyon and I are going to a fancy lunch in celebration of the anniversary of our “fall” to Hell. I am greatly anticipating this year’s lunch, because there is a theme of “5 thousand.” Thus, there will be five thousand courses to feed seven people: Me, Apollyon, Beelzebub, and two women that Apollyon invited. He has not yet told me who they are. The theme is a hellish interpretation of the miracle that Jesus performed of feeding five thousand with five loaves of bread and two fish. Instead, we are eating five thousand courses with three men and two women. After all, if Jesus can show off by stretching some food, why can’t we show off by over-consuming?

--Lucifer

Letter From a Citizen

Here is a letter we received from an anonymous citizen:

Speaking as a citizen of Hell, I think you guys have really picked it up.  It used to just be the usual boring burning on forever blah blah blah, but now you guys have gotten creative. I’ve gotta say, the Crying Babies is a KILLER (figuratively of course, I’m already dead).  Kudos to you for thinking of that one. But I gotta ask, what did the babies do to get here?

Keep up the good, by which I mean terrible, work!

-A Proud Citizen

PS: could you turn up the elevator music a bit? It gotten too quiet

--Lucifer