Dear Mother

First of all, Apollyon and I have been experiencing a little problem with the HellFire© over the last couple of days. It has been cooler by quite a few degrees, and we have been quite unfortunately hindered in our cooking abilities as well as experiencing severe torture withdrawal, since it is no fun to throw despairing souls into moderately cool raging flames. Since you keep a habit of tending to the fire, I hope you will consider taking a look at what could be going wrong.
Second of all, we recently got an occupant whom we are not quite sure what to do with. She has lead a very sinful life, and she seems to enjoy all of the chambers that suit her level of overall horribleness. Apollyon suggested that we promote her straight to demon, and skip the probation period of one hundred years. I was hoping you could interview her and help us decide what to do with her. She is currently residing in the guest room of the Palace of Gehenna, and with your consent, I will send her to your chambers.


Many thanks from your better son,
--Lucifer

Census Day

      Today is Census day. It’s my favorite day of the year, because I get to count how many people have joined our wonderful kingdom of sin and despair. Unfortunately, it also reminds me of how many we have lost, and sometimes just at the last minute. Like that Lazarus guy. He was totally sick and dying, and he had committed just enough sin in his life to qualify for the lowest level of eternal torture, Crying Babies. I swear, he had his left foot in the gate when suddenly that snarky little Jesus guy’s voice boomed out and called him back. Actually, first he bowed and scraped for his dad, and then he called for Lazarus to come out. Immediately, Lazarus began walking towards the exit. I knew it was a lost cause, but Apollyon thought it would be a good idea to grab onto him, and was almost dragged out into the world. I thank myself he wasn’t, or I wouldn’t have had anyone to yell at afterwards. Anyway, today we lost yet another one, but these days Jesus doesn’t talk anymore, the people are just held back from our eternal party by their own remorse and repentance. What a sad thing.

-- Lucifer

Post Moping Day

I never realized that we take Census after Moping Day.
What a wonderful way conclude it, another day of disappointment.
I think we should move Census a day earlier, get all the disappointment out of the way in a day instead of continuing it on.
This was a random idea... :/

Moping Day

Its Christmas. Today we mope.
I hate Christmas time.

Bad Wine

      Dear citizens of Hell,

      I would like to remind you that today marks the debut of our new low-level eternal torture, Bad Wine. The ceremony is at 2:00, Hell Time. There will be a few bible-burning sessions, as well as a satirical performance of the “water to wine” miracle originally performed by Jesus. Acting in it will be Beelzebub, O.J. Simpson, and a few Nazis. For those of you who do not know the acts of Jesus, he went to this wedding party and turned all their water into wine, to show off his powers and steal more subjects from my wonderful Kingdom. I hope you will join us for the fun and games! Not that you have much of a choice.

--Lucifer

Day before Moping Day

Lucifer is cleaning Gehenna today.  He's put some insulation foam in the hole in our kitchen.  For some reason carpenters don't want to come here.
Judas is on his way over here now to "celebrate" moping day with us.  Although its not much of a celebration.  Basically, we all sit around and do nothing except mope about the birth of our enemy's son.
I don't understand the big hype about it anyway.  Immaculate conception.  Whatever.  I say that Mary just got knocked up with someone that wasn't Joseph but she wanted to keep what little dignity she had, so she lied about it.  That, right there, is the basis for the entire Christian community. Of course, then God had to go and actually choose Jesus as his right-hand man, but that had to be just pure good luck for Mary.

It makes me laugh.  I'm stuck doing paperwork now anyway, while Lucifer cleans.
There is one bonus I have for moping day.  All the citizens of hell vote on someone who looks like Jesus, and then we dress him up like Jesus and throw him into the Hellfire©.
Its not real revenge, but its close enough to be satisfactory.

Letter from the Pharisees! Yeah! (Sarcasm)

So I got a letter from the Pharisees today... whoa.... deja vu much?  I feel like I'm repeating myself?  It must be that stupid "Its A Small World Ride" thats constantly playing.  We can periodically hear it in the hallways of Hell. I hadn't counted on that.  That is, I'd never counted on being tortured in my own Hell.  It is Hell though, so I'm not sure why I counted on that.
Oh, confusion, confusion.

Anyway, the letter from the Pharisees.  You probably want to read it, don't you?  So here it is.  Remember, I asked them why they didn't get along with Jesus, and they've read his letter that I posted a while ago.
_______________________________________________________________________________

Mr. Apollyon.

We’re glad that someone has finally asked this question, even if it is you.  Your brother tricked us into coming down here, but God will eventually forgive us our transgressions and we will be out.

This Jesus was deceiving all of the people.  He was telling them lies of him being the Messiah and The Son of God.  It was all lies!

He disrupted our oxen and white dove sellers and our money changers in the temple area with whips.  He said we were running a market place.  We were sustaining the temple as it was!  This was a complete overreaction. 

We arrested him because he was a danger to The Faith, to the community and even to himself.

We believe that we did right.  He was a blasphemer because he was going against the true will of God.  He was healing on the Sabbath and claiming to be Lord of the Sabbath and he had a complete disregard for Jewish Laws.  He was associating with the sinners and the tax collectors- the selfish and sinful people of the world- the dirty people.  He was forgiving them their sins and in doing so was taking away our power.  He was a renegade preacher! 

 So we know not why we are here, since we did right.  We thought we were sinless when we passed away.  But we found ourselves on the path to hell before we could turn around.

This is where we will leave our letter.

~Pharisees