Dear Mother

First of all, Apollyon and I have been experiencing a little problem with the HellFire© over the last couple of days. It has been cooler by quite a few degrees, and we have been quite unfortunately hindered in our cooking abilities as well as experiencing severe torture withdrawal, since it is no fun to throw despairing souls into moderately cool raging flames. Since you keep a habit of tending to the fire, I hope you will consider taking a look at what could be going wrong.
Second of all, we recently got an occupant whom we are not quite sure what to do with. She has lead a very sinful life, and she seems to enjoy all of the chambers that suit her level of overall horribleness. Apollyon suggested that we promote her straight to demon, and skip the probation period of one hundred years. I was hoping you could interview her and help us decide what to do with her. She is currently residing in the guest room of the Palace of Gehenna, and with your consent, I will send her to your chambers.


Many thanks from your better son,
--Lucifer

Census Day

      Today is Census day. It’s my favorite day of the year, because I get to count how many people have joined our wonderful kingdom of sin and despair. Unfortunately, it also reminds me of how many we have lost, and sometimes just at the last minute. Like that Lazarus guy. He was totally sick and dying, and he had committed just enough sin in his life to qualify for the lowest level of eternal torture, Crying Babies. I swear, he had his left foot in the gate when suddenly that snarky little Jesus guy’s voice boomed out and called him back. Actually, first he bowed and scraped for his dad, and then he called for Lazarus to come out. Immediately, Lazarus began walking towards the exit. I knew it was a lost cause, but Apollyon thought it would be a good idea to grab onto him, and was almost dragged out into the world. I thank myself he wasn’t, or I wouldn’t have had anyone to yell at afterwards. Anyway, today we lost yet another one, but these days Jesus doesn’t talk anymore, the people are just held back from our eternal party by their own remorse and repentance. What a sad thing.

-- Lucifer

Post Moping Day

I never realized that we take Census after Moping Day.
What a wonderful way conclude it, another day of disappointment.
I think we should move Census a day earlier, get all the disappointment out of the way in a day instead of continuing it on.
This was a random idea... :/

Moping Day

Its Christmas. Today we mope.
I hate Christmas time.

Bad Wine

      Dear citizens of Hell,

      I would like to remind you that today marks the debut of our new low-level eternal torture, Bad Wine. The ceremony is at 2:00, Hell Time. There will be a few bible-burning sessions, as well as a satirical performance of the “water to wine” miracle originally performed by Jesus. Acting in it will be Beelzebub, O.J. Simpson, and a few Nazis. For those of you who do not know the acts of Jesus, he went to this wedding party and turned all their water into wine, to show off his powers and steal more subjects from my wonderful Kingdom. I hope you will join us for the fun and games! Not that you have much of a choice.

--Lucifer

Day before Moping Day

Lucifer is cleaning Gehenna today.  He's put some insulation foam in the hole in our kitchen.  For some reason carpenters don't want to come here.
Judas is on his way over here now to "celebrate" moping day with us.  Although its not much of a celebration.  Basically, we all sit around and do nothing except mope about the birth of our enemy's son.
I don't understand the big hype about it anyway.  Immaculate conception.  Whatever.  I say that Mary just got knocked up with someone that wasn't Joseph but she wanted to keep what little dignity she had, so she lied about it.  That, right there, is the basis for the entire Christian community. Of course, then God had to go and actually choose Jesus as his right-hand man, but that had to be just pure good luck for Mary.

It makes me laugh.  I'm stuck doing paperwork now anyway, while Lucifer cleans.
There is one bonus I have for moping day.  All the citizens of hell vote on someone who looks like Jesus, and then we dress him up like Jesus and throw him into the Hellfire©.
Its not real revenge, but its close enough to be satisfactory.

Letter from the Pharisees! Yeah! (Sarcasm)

So I got a letter from the Pharisees today... whoa.... deja vu much?  I feel like I'm repeating myself?  It must be that stupid "Its A Small World Ride" thats constantly playing.  We can periodically hear it in the hallways of Hell. I hadn't counted on that.  That is, I'd never counted on being tortured in my own Hell.  It is Hell though, so I'm not sure why I counted on that.
Oh, confusion, confusion.

Anyway, the letter from the Pharisees.  You probably want to read it, don't you?  So here it is.  Remember, I asked them why they didn't get along with Jesus, and they've read his letter that I posted a while ago.
_______________________________________________________________________________

Mr. Apollyon.

We’re glad that someone has finally asked this question, even if it is you.  Your brother tricked us into coming down here, but God will eventually forgive us our transgressions and we will be out.

This Jesus was deceiving all of the people.  He was telling them lies of him being the Messiah and The Son of God.  It was all lies!

He disrupted our oxen and white dove sellers and our money changers in the temple area with whips.  He said we were running a market place.  We were sustaining the temple as it was!  This was a complete overreaction. 

We arrested him because he was a danger to The Faith, to the community and even to himself.

We believe that we did right.  He was a blasphemer because he was going against the true will of God.  He was healing on the Sabbath and claiming to be Lord of the Sabbath and he had a complete disregard for Jewish Laws.  He was associating with the sinners and the tax collectors- the selfish and sinful people of the world- the dirty people.  He was forgiving them their sins and in doing so was taking away our power.  He was a renegade preacher! 

 So we know not why we are here, since we did right.  We thought we were sinless when we passed away.  But we found ourselves on the path to hell before we could turn around.

This is where we will leave our letter.

~Pharisees 

Another letter from dear old mum.

Mum sent us another letter today.  I'll post it now then, I guess.
_______________________________________________

Darlings,

I was reading your blog archive this evening, and I happened to come across the little note from one of your citizens about the crying baby room.

Dearies, I had the same question as that poor fool.  What in the world and all other dimensions did those babies do to get down there?  Mama demands that you give them too her, as she is very, very hungry and baby blood always makes her feel so young and fresh again, like a teenaged demoness.  Tell Mama what you’ve been up to, corrupting infants.

Love, Lilith

P.S.  Appie, I found some more of my good china that you broke when you were just a child.  If you don’t get me another set sometime soon, I’ll have Luci post your baby pictures.  I know you hate them.

P.P.S. I’m willing to talk about that video shoot, sweetheart!

________________________________________________

First off, I thought she'd called me apple.  And i wasn't the only one who broke the china either.  And Lucifer, if you post those baby pictures I'll fire any carpenters you hire to fix the hole in the wall.

Oh, and the videos...  Lucifer and I (well, mostly me really...) were talking to out dear mother about doing some videos for our blog posts.  Comment if you like this idea, or with things you want to hear Lilith (our mom) talking about.

And yes, our mother likes blood.  She likes to keep herself looking young, our dear demon mother.
And Lucifer, you need to answer our dear "Mama"'s question.  You corrupt the infants, not me.  And this fact, to be honest, has been confusing me for quite some time.

Goodbye to all the citizens of hell (and even those who aren't citizens).  Or should I say Badbye?  It sounds funny but it makes more sense.
~Apollyon

Hell it is... and I can't leave.

I hate cheerleaders.  And spaghetti.
Okay, I admit it.  That "Its A Small World " ride is a true hell.  Especially since I punched a hole in our kitchen wall.  I hate spaghetti and Lucifer knows that.  I was also in a bad mood.  The Cheerleader I mentioned on the 8th was a real brat.  No wonder she went to persistent PMS. It looked like it.  Anyway, she basically BSed me out when i went to see her.  And then Lucifer went and made Spaghetti for dinner.

Sorry about the hole, bro.  Get a carpenter.

On another hand: I paid a visit to Judas today.  He's getting ragged and slightly depressed.  I know its Hell and all, but I think I should give him a small break.  I know the devils aren't supposed to pity the souls down here, but Judas is my home boy.  I think I'll give him a few nights in Gehenna.

Oh, and Mom's coming over for Christmas.  I'm not really looking forward to this.  She's never really liked me much. :/

Martha and Mary Interview

            Here is an account of an interview I conducted between myself and Martha and Mary, two of JC’s close friends. This was, of course, a rare opportunity to get an opinion from the other side. I found their attitude quite strange, but make of it what you will.

o   Lucifer: Ladies, I must have you know that it is quite a pleasure to have you here, in my palace. I hope you enjoy the décor we prepared just for your sake.

o   Mary: you did this for us? That’s horrible! Why would you do such a thing! All those poor people… (Martha pats her back consolingly)

o   Lucifer: Oh, they weren’t doing much with their heads anyways, they were all in positions of government in the United States.

o   Martha: That is no excuse to use their heads as paving. That’s just inhumane and despicable. Of course, that’s only to be expected from Satan himself. (crosses herself)

o   Mary: (close to tears) Oh, what did we do to deserve this? I am so sorry Jesus, please forgive me for my sins!

o   Lucifer: Ladies, please. Al I want to do is ask you a few questions. That’s not so bad, is it? After all, it’s a chance to preach about your favorite person ever, that Jesus boy. I’ve heard you’re pretty big fangirls, after all.

o   Martha: We worship Jesus as the rightful Savior of the World. (Mary sniffs, smiles and nods)

o   Lucifer: Now, I want to know, what was it like to be some of JC’s few female friends? You must have felt quite special. Do you feel he treated you any differently than the other disciples? After all, you weren’t included in the final Twelve.

o   Martha: We were highly privileged to be so close to Jesus himself. Of course we were not part of the final Twelve disciples, we are women and can have little effect on the world. Those men were meant to spread the Word of God, and we were not in a position to do that in our time.

o   Lucifer: I suppose that’s understandable.

o   Mary: We love Jesus. He would never do anything to hurt us. He died for our sins!

o   Lucifer: Did you ever wonder if he was just a madman, obsessed with himself? I mean, obviously now you know that he is not, as you have lunch with him every day up there in happy-land, but did you ever wonder?

o   Mary: Of course not! I knew and believed in Jesus that first time I met him. He is God’s only son.

o   Martha: Well, when I first met him, I did doubt, but I quickly saw the error of my ways and begged for forgiveness.

o   Lucifer: So you just followed him in blindness? I suppose that’s what faith is, a leap without any guarantee that there will be ground underneath your feet when you land.

o   Martha: God was our guarantee

o   Lucifer: …I’m not entirely sure how that makes sense, but I’d like to bring up another issue. You say that Jesus is God’s only son, but aren’t all humans supposed to be God’s children? JC never explained this particular one to me.

o   Mary: We are all God’s children, created in his image, but Jesus is a part of God.

o   Lucifer: But… that’s what I just… oh, never mind.

o   Martha: Are you finished with this interrogation?

o   Lucifer: (sighing) I tried to keep it as civil as possible, but obviously your tastes are different than mine. I don’t know how I could ever see eye-to-eye with JC. His disciples are weird enough.

o   Mary: (beginning to cry) Oh, what did I do to deserve this torture? I want to go back to singing in Heaven!

o   Lucifer: (rolling eyes and beginning to look truly irritated) Alright, you can go back. Let me call JC. I’ll be glad to have you off my back…

o   Martha: (rubbing Mary’s back) Devil, I cannot believe that you have any communication with the Son of God. Your soul is as black as the sky in this horrible place.

o   Lucifer: Um, last time I checked, I have no soul. And I don’t know what are you blabbering about, of course I have to talk to JC, there are lots of tough cases where we have to work out where a person will go. Plus, God likes to have input on which torture level they go to. I don’t get that. I think he doesn’t quite understand the concept of a separate kingdom. I mean, I have enough to deal with without him trying to micromanage everything I do. It’s like he thinks I’m still one of his lackeys.

o   Mary: (straightening) I don’t need to listen to your blasphemy. Jesus will save me from this horrible place.

o   Lucifer: (into a bright red old-fashioned phone) Yeah, could you pick them up, they’re really starting to get on my nerves. It’s taking a lot of self-control not to add their heads to my new pavement.

o   Mary: (screeching) AEEEIIIIII!!!!

o   Martha: (muttering) Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name…

o   Lucifer: Oh, for sin’s sake, will you two just shut up?

After this point, I left the room. They were gone when a minion went into the room to clean it up twenty minutes later. I couldn’t have been more relieved.

--Lucifer

Bar-B-Q in Hell - Lots of Hot Sauce

Come one, come all! Join Lucifer and Apollyon at a bar-b-q this Friday, at the high-level eternal torture site, Nails On Chalkboard. Everyone is invited! There will be tons of hot sauce, to go with the brain burgers and human hot dogs. Most guests will be served.

--Lucifer

Nerds and Cheerleaders

I was bombarded by a physics nerd today.  Yes, a nerd.  This was one that was in the waiting room for a few years.  I know it seems silly to have a physics nerd in hell, but they can enforce a torture spectacularly.  They’re currently detained in a level designed specifically for them:  everything they knew in life is wrong.  Gravity doesn't exist and quantum physics doesn’t work right.  It’s a perfect hell for them. If they try to conduct an experiment, it always goes horribly wrong.  So if you feel the need to release some energy, just grab a nerd, lock them in one of our windowless rooms and ask a question about quantum physics or a complicated chemical something or other.  It’s beautiful to watch.

Unfortunately, they can be incredibly annoying, like the situation i was in this morning.  I was just walking around one of the paths in hell, and a nerd was passing by on his way to somewhere.  And he started talking to me.  That was hell, let me tell you.  I didn’t understand a thing he was talking about and yet I couldn’t get away.

It was Lucifer that saved me.  He paged me and told me to hurry to the waiting room because we’ve got a busload of cheerleaders coming in.

Cheerleaders- they’re not as perfect as you think.  I laugh at it, to be honest.  I was talking with one of them and it turns out that a busload of fifty of them had gone shooting off a cliff because they hit a patch of black ice.  Forty-five cheerleaders were standing in that waiting room, gossiping.  That either means that five of them were the angels everyone thinks, or they hadn’t died.  Personally, I am inclined to think the latter.

One of the girls, about seventeen years old, was watching me while I was hurrying around trying to sort the bratty girls out.  When I got over to the group she was standing with, I started watching her.  She seemed interesting enough.  She was seventeen, and I’ve been alive since “before time”.  But I’m timeless, too, and I look like I’m in my lower twenties, so who knows?

I’ll try and get her name and find where she’s going, at any rate.

Lucifer’s calling again.  He says its paperwork.  Yep, I live in Hell alright.

~Apollyon

Letter From Lilith

Here's a letter from our mother, the demoness Lilith.

Dear Sweetheart,

A blog? Really, darling, I'm so proud of you, incorporating technology into your job and all, especially after that incident way back when with Alexander Graham Bell. Poor man. Ah, well.

I quite appreciate your new, hopefully fresh, outlook on that 'Bible.' I'm getting very sick of all this new religious fervor. Although it's not as bad as that "Great Awakening" it is still disgusting.

I'd like to see more. Maybe you should take some of those more popular verses and look into them. There's so much to look into. Please get back to me on what you're planning here; Mama would love to help out! Maybe get one of those demons you keep in the filing room on these internets.

I'm so excited to see you develop this blog, baby. Keep it up!

Love and Kisses,

Lilith

P.S. Luci, keep your other half under control, please. He's such a...how do you say? Spaz. That's it.

P.P.S. Mama needs some new knives, sweetie. Just a subtle hint.

--Lucifer

It's a Small, Small World

My brother is truly intolerable. During one of his little temper tantrums, he punched a hole in our kitchen wall. I think he was angry about some fashion model dumping him or something. Unfortunately, being Apollyon, he punched the wall between our kitchen and the “It’s a Small World” torture chamber. Now, any time I just want a simple snack, I have to listen to that horribly friendly song, playing over and over and over and over… I really am in Hell.


--A Very Pissed Off Lucifer