Here is an account of an interview I conducted between myself and Martha and Mary, two of JC’s close friends. This was, of course, a rare opportunity to get an opinion from the other side. I found their attitude quite strange, but make of it what you will.
o Lucifer: Ladies, I must have you know that it is quite a pleasure to have you here, in my palace. I hope you enjoy the décor we prepared just for your sake.
o Mary: you did this for us? That’s horrible! Why would you do such a thing! All those poor people… (Martha pats her back consolingly)
o Lucifer: Oh, they weren’t doing much with their heads anyways, they were all in positions of government in the United States.
o Martha: That is no excuse to use their heads as paving. That’s just inhumane and despicable. Of course, that’s only to be expected from Satan himself. (crosses herself)
o Mary: (close to tears) Oh, what did we do to deserve this? I am so sorry Jesus, please forgive me for my sins!
o Lucifer: Ladies, please. Al I want to do is ask you a few questions. That’s not so bad, is it? After all, it’s a chance to preach about your favorite person ever, that Jesus boy. I’ve heard you’re pretty big fangirls, after all.
o Martha: We worship Jesus as the rightful Savior of the World. (Mary sniffs, smiles and nods)
o Lucifer: Now, I want to know, what was it like to be some of JC’s few female friends? You must have felt quite special. Do you feel he treated you any differently than the other disciples? After all, you weren’t included in the final Twelve.
o Martha: We were highly privileged to be so close to Jesus himself. Of course we were not part of the final Twelve disciples, we are women and can have little effect on the world. Those men were meant to spread the Word of God, and we were not in a position to do that in our time.
o Lucifer: I suppose that’s understandable.
o Mary: We love Jesus. He would never do anything to hurt us. He died for our sins!
o Lucifer: Did you ever wonder if he was just a madman, obsessed with himself? I mean, obviously now you know that he is not, as you have lunch with him every day up there in happy-land, but did you ever wonder?
o Mary: Of course not! I knew and believed in Jesus that first time I met him. He is God’s only son.
o Martha: Well, when I first met him, I did doubt, but I quickly saw the error of my ways and begged for forgiveness.
o Lucifer: So you just followed him in blindness? I suppose that’s what faith is, a leap without any guarantee that there will be ground underneath your feet when you land.
o Martha: God was our guarantee
o Lucifer: …I’m not entirely sure how that makes sense, but I’d like to bring up another issue. You say that Jesus is God’s only son, but aren’t all humans supposed to be God’s children? JC never explained this particular one to me.
o Mary: We are all God’s children, created in his image, but Jesus is a part of God.
o Lucifer: But… that’s what I just… oh, never mind.
o Martha: Are you finished with this interrogation?
o Lucifer: (sighing) I tried to keep it as civil as possible, but obviously your tastes are different than mine. I don’t know how I could ever see eye-to-eye with JC. His disciples are weird enough.
o Mary: (beginning to cry) Oh, what did I do to deserve this torture? I want to go back to singing in Heaven!
o Lucifer: (rolling eyes and beginning to look truly irritated) Alright, you can go back. Let me call JC. I’ll be glad to have you off my back…
o Martha: (rubbing Mary’s back) Devil, I cannot believe that you have any communication with the Son of God. Your soul is as black as the sky in this horrible place.
o Lucifer: Um, last time I checked, I have no soul. And I don’t know what are you blabbering about, of course I have to talk to JC, there are lots of tough cases where we have to work out where a person will go. Plus, God likes to have input on which torture level they go to. I don’t get that. I think he doesn’t quite understand the concept of a separate kingdom. I mean, I have enough to deal with without him trying to micromanage everything I do. It’s like he thinks I’m still one of his lackeys.
o Mary: (straightening) I don’t need to listen to your blasphemy. Jesus will save me from this horrible place.
o Lucifer: (into a bright red old-fashioned phone) Yeah, could you pick them up, they’re really starting to get on my nerves. It’s taking a lot of self-control not to add their heads to my new pavement.
o Mary: (screeching) AEEEIIIIII!!!!
o Martha: (muttering) Our Father, who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name…
o Lucifer: Oh, for sin’s sake, will you two just shut up?
After this point, I left the room. They were gone when a minion went into the room to clean it up twenty minutes later. I couldn’t have been more relieved.