Interview With Judas

            Here is an account of an interview I conducted between myself and Judas, the “Betrayer” in the whole crucifixion act. He is a personal friend of mine, and I wanted to make his position on the whole thing clear to the world.

o   Lucifer: So Judas, how did it feel to get the privilege of assisting the great JC in his final performance for the world?

o   Judas: Man, I’m just glad I didn’t have to do anything stupid like Peter, with that whole “denial” thing. Even he was a bit embarrassed about that. Also, it was nice to be able to finally acknowledge my true alliance, with you and Apollyon.

o   L: So what you’re saying is that you were really on our side the whole time, sort of like a spy behind enemy lines?

o   J: Yeah, although the way John wrote it in his gospel, he makes it sound like Jesus ordered me to go play my part, and suddenly I was on your side.

o   L: But that’s not really how it happened?

o   J: No, I was definitely waiting for my chance to betray him all the time. I found a few other nice opportunities, but when he told me to go off, I knew I was busted, and I figured that would be the best time out of any to betray him anyways, so I went ahead and did it.

o   L: Do you think any of the other disciples knew you were not on their side before the final dinner?

o   J: Hah, no way. They were all too goody-two-shoes to imagine that one of their own was a bad apple. Jesus figured it out, of course, but he took his own sweet time about it. What was really funny was that even when JC pointed me out during the dinner by giving me the “dipped morsel,” the other disciples still didn’t get it! They just sat around looking confused.

o   L: That’s hilarious! Well, thanks for sharing your side of the story. You are helping a great cause, fighting the war of attrition on the side of the devil.

o   J: It’s been my pleasure.

--Lucifer

Five Thousand Lunch

Today Apollyon and I are going to a fancy lunch in celebration of the anniversary of our “fall” to Hell. I am greatly anticipating this year’s lunch, because there is a theme of “5 thousand.” Thus, there will be five thousand courses to feed seven people: Me, Apollyon, Beelzebub, and two women that Apollyon invited. He has not yet told me who they are. The theme is a hellish interpretation of the miracle that Jesus performed of feeding five thousand with five loaves of bread and two fish. Instead, we are eating five thousand courses with three men and two women. After all, if Jesus can show off by stretching some food, why can’t we show off by over-consuming?

--Lucifer

A Letter from a Dear Old Friend

We got a letter from one of our dear old friends yesterday.  I find it amusing.  So I am positing it here.

Enjoy!  Or don't. I don't really care either way.

Apollyon and Lucifer,

My dear old friends, how is it in the upper levels?  I realize that what I did constitutes torture, but I’d like to see you two sometimes, alright?  After all, I think you owe me some attention.  After all, it was you that led me to my fall, wasn’t it?

Anyway, how about I get right to why I’m writing this letter, okay?

Oh Lazarus, I remember him.  Well, actually, I don’t.  But I was there when Jesus raised him, anyway.  Mary and Martha, Lazarus’s sisters basically begged Jesus to save their brother.  It was quite pitiful.  Jesus himself wept over Lazarus’s death.  I never understood crying.  IT was only ever a sign of weakness in my view.  But something did touch me that day, and I wondered if I was doing the right thing.  But you were in my head Lucifer, you had taken me in.  I was doing your word.  This is why you owe me some visits every once in a while.

Then Jesus went to Lazarus’s grave and called out to His Father, and then commanded Lazarus to rise.  There was silence, and then Lazarus walked out covered in burial rags.

   I did not know that he had been so close to entering hell.  To think that if I had somehow stalled Jesus for even another moment, Lazarus could be sitting with me at this moment, drinking some scalding coffee and watching the hell fire below us.  It makes me bitter, because I am so alone down here.  It is almost like solitary confinement.  Then again, those blasted Pharisees are here, and so is Pontis Pilate, but they’re not very good company.  Pilate sings in the shower, and he doesn’t sing well.  I’m getting nightmares.  They sit down her in their private quarters still praying to their god for forgiveness and to get them out of this place.  But I’ve read the signs, and this blog.  Heaven is as far away as “Forget About it” remember?  Internet is what’s keeping me going to be honest.

As a little wrap up: visit me!  You’re responsible for bringing me down here, considering that it was you that made me betray Jesus.  So visit every once in a while, okay?  Lucifer, try and be interesting when you come.  Apollyon, if you destroy my house I am going to get very angry.

               Hoping to see you soon, and bring some water will you?

~Judas

Words Words Words

"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God.  He was in the beginning with" blah blah blah blah blah.
Its all just Words Words Words
HAMLET!

~Apollyon

P.S.  If you don't get the reference, come to Hell and find out! >:)

Letter From Jesus! Yeah. (Sarcasm)

So, here is the letter that I got from JC yesterday.  I can't stand him, but I'm posting it here because I said I would.  Remember, I asked JC why he didn't get along with the Pharisees.
Here you are, my not-so-lovely citizens of hell.
__________________________________________________________________________________

Apollyon, this is a silly question.  It’s not so much that I don’t get along with the Pharisees; it’s more the fact that they don’t understand the truth of the Word and they don’t believe in my coming.  However, they did sacrifice me and hang me on the cross.

But I still love them as my Father does and so I forgive them.  I have forgiven them for crucifying me, because in doing so they assisted me to have my Resurrection.  And this, as you know, awoke many others to the belief in myself and my Father.

I also was disappointed that they scared others into following my teachings publicly because otherwise they would be expelled from their synagogue as is explained in The Good News according to John in verse 42.

This is all I wish to say, because if I was to be honest, I do not dislike anyone.  I don’t get along with them because they do not get along with me and question the Word to often and live out their lives in hypocrisy.  They were two-faced and false.

Peace.

~JC- as you so aptly nicknamed me

My Date With an Angel

I know, I know.  Just the title gets me all riled up.  Stupid dating websites, they never work.  I use up one of my limited hell-leavings and it’s wasted on her.

Yes, I am limited to hell.  Apparently I wreak havoc every time I get out.  Lucifer takes care of our dealings with the outside world most of the time, and I stay behind to make sure we don’t get any escapees. 

On the escapees: we caught the group that got out a few days ago.  They were frantic and absolutely terrified of my flame thrower.  I love that thing.  Anyways, I’m not even sure where the idiots think they can run too.  We’re surrounded by a black hole of epic proportions and life and heaven are so far away.  In fact, Life is a ways past “It’s Too Late” and Heaven’s right around “Forget About It.”  Even the walk to the check in counter in the waiting room takes forever.  No, I just lied.  I tend to do that sometimes.  I’ll be down here for forever and I’ve been down here for eternity already: I’ve already made the journey hundreds of times.

Anyway, to get to the cute little coffee shop where I met the angel - I took little portal I made.

So there she was, sitting across from me and very bitter about the whole affair.  It was going downhill before she even opened her mouth.

“So what is your name again?”

“Apollyon.  Yours?”

“Angelica.  What do you do?  What’s your job?”

“I make sure that souls don’t escape from my country and I manage my workers who sort them where they go.”

“Where’s your country?”

“Hell.”

I proceeded to get lecture after lecture at this point about how I was a sinner.  If I even believed in sins, of course I would be.  I own the place where her big man sends the souls he doesn’t like because they’ve sinned really bad.

“You’re the one who caused all those poor women to be hung in Salem!  You captured their souls and they’re now rotting in hell!”

“You can’t rot in hell.  It’s too darn hot.  And those poor young women evaded me their entire lives, and they weren’t evading me exactly.  My brother, Lucifer, had the men who had the executed in his pocket since the men were tots.”

“Lies!  Blasphemy!”

“If you care about blasphemy, then I’m the biggest darn blasphemer there is, deal with it.”

There was another half hour or so of lecturing and she scared our pretty waitress away.  That waitress was gorgeous.  A date with her would have been better that a date with this white wonder any day.  Yes: I said white wonder.  That Angelica was getting brighter and brighter and whiter and whiter as her temper rose.

“Blasphemer!” she said for what had had to be the eight hundredth time, and I was done.

I’d gathered up a ball of hellfire© and launched it at her face, conjured a portal and disappeared before she’d even realized what had happened.

I hope I singed her hair.

Well, that was my not quite so eventful weekend.  How was yours?

How To Grow Vines! or something similar... I think

Jesus said “I am the true vine, and my Father is the vine grower.”  If this is true, then I laugh at that vine and send one of my own to cut it down- the crucifixion you see.  Ah, revenge.  How lovely thou art!

How is it revenge you ask?  Well, you’ll remember all of those stories of how my minions and demons were driven out of their hosts: because of Jesus.  Everyone was perfectly content to just sit around and let my demons carry out my plans and their duties.  Well, the hosts didn’t really care, and they’re the ones that mattered.

And then that Jesus character just decided to show up and ruin our party.

On a different note:  those Pharisees.  Oh how I love to laugh at their idiocy.  HA.  There: I laughed at them.  And here it is again: HA.  Sorry, I am just so amused by their antics.  They say that they are “God Worshiping” men, and then they order the crucifixion of JC.  I have to admit that I am irritated that they stole my thunder.

Lucifer is reading over my shoulder now and has just commented that he was the one ordering the Pharisees about.

Thanks bro, and you have just made my eternity down here a little better.  Now I can go on ordering our pets about knowing that the Pharisees were unknowingly truly doing out bidding.

Oh the lovely, tasty irony of it all.

Now Luci has just told me that we’ve got some run away souls in level seven that need to be sorted out.  Time to get the flame thrower out again.

Jesus... lol.

             So I sent a letter up to Jesus a while ago, and I sent another to some of the Pharisees down here in my neck of the woods, asking why they didn’t get along.  I’m still waiting for answers back, but I’ll post them as soon as I get them.

             On a completely different note: we got a new level of Hell! Awesome right?  As of right now, its called Ice Cream.  Yes, we have ice cream in hell, but listen to this:  its close to the Hellfire© and right next to a boiler: so it is always melted.  That's a hell, right?

             Any ideas for new levels in hell?  Send us your ideas by email or comment below! :D

Letter From a Citizen

Here is a letter we received from an anonymous citizen:

Speaking as a citizen of Hell, I think you guys have really picked it up.  It used to just be the usual boring burning on forever blah blah blah, but now you guys have gotten creative. I’ve gotta say, the Crying Babies is a KILLER (figuratively of course, I’m already dead).  Kudos to you for thinking of that one. But I gotta ask, what did the babies do to get here?

Keep up the good, by which I mean terrible, work!

-A Proud Citizen

PS: could you turn up the elevator music a bit? It gotten too quiet

--Lucifer