Census Day

      Today is Census day. It’s my favorite day of the year, because I get to count how many people have joined our wonderful kingdom of sin and despair. Unfortunately, it also reminds me of how many we have lost, and sometimes just at the last minute. Like that Lazarus guy. He was totally sick and dying, and he had committed just enough sin in his life to qualify for the lowest level of eternal torture, Crying Babies. I swear, he had his left foot in the gate when suddenly that snarky little Jesus guy’s voice boomed out and called him back. Actually, first he bowed and scraped for his dad, and then he called for Lazarus to come out. Immediately, Lazarus began walking towards the exit. I knew it was a lost cause, but Apollyon thought it would be a good idea to grab onto him, and was almost dragged out into the world. I thank myself he wasn’t, or I wouldn’t have had anyone to yell at afterwards. Anyway, today we lost yet another one, but these days Jesus doesn’t talk anymore, the people are just held back from our eternal party by their own remorse and repentance. What a sad thing.

-- Lucifer