Dear citizens of Hell,
I would like to remind you that today marks the debut of our new low-level eternal torture, Bad Wine. The ceremony is at 2:00, Hell Time. There will be a few bible-burning sessions, as well as a satirical performance of the “water to wine” miracle originally performed by Jesus. Acting in it will be Beelzebub, O.J. Simpson, and a few Nazis. For those of you who do not know the acts of Jesus, he went to this wedding party and turned all their water into wine, to show off his powers and steal more subjects from my wonderful Kingdom. I hope you will join us for the fun and games! Not that you have much of a choice.